How to fit in

Lately, I’ve been wondering where it all went wrong. I guess you could say I have always looked for acceptance only to be disappointed. I can’t think of one person that I can call and talk to anymore. Most of them time, I just wonder why I put so much into things that didn’t pan out. I imagine just sinking into the ground, knowing that no one will ever notice. Today was a tough day, I just couldn’t get on track. I lose so many hours just wondering why I am here, what’s the point of me even trying because everything is so pointless. I hate myself and one day I will disappear and I don’t care what they will think or say of me because those days are over. I never fit in with anyone so who cares.  I wish I had a mentor but most of the ones I identify want nothing To do with me or they focus on some one else. I was never a bad person.

15 movies

I’ve been asked to list 15 films that will always stay with me. The rules are to take no more than 15 minutes and tag 15 people to make their own lists.
1) There will be blood
2)  blue velvet
3) Vanilla Sky
4) Moneyball
5) American Beauty
6) Eyes wide shut
7) Wonder boys
8) Revolutionary road
9) Broken arrow
10) The Social Network
11) Basic instinct
12) The purge
13) Point break
14) Sliver
15) Gossip

Nothing matters on Wednesday nights

Wednesday nights are not fun. There are always serious problems awaiting. Tomorrow will be a struggle like most days are lately. I’m pretty frustrated with my life and I don’t get to spend time with the people I want to. I usually get punted or pointed Away. When you realize that no cares and that there is no hope, there is really nothing worse. Mostly, I am just confused because I give so much and I try to fit in but nothing seems to ever work out for me. I really hate myself, I wish I didn’t feel this way. I know that these feelings will never go away and that I will always be alone. People that I used to have faith or trust  in have revealed themselves and there is a lot of pressure on me because there is nothing to look forward to anymore. Hopefully, I will fit in one day and with someone but I doubt it. There are so many negative people I have to deal with, they are the ones who love to just talk bad about me to people that I actually like. People like that are so dismissive, they call me freak or unique and it just worsens. But it won’t matter because no one believes me. So, another Wednesday night all alone, just like the last one with dominant anxiety attacks and hopelessness.  I have no purpose anymore and with no one on my side, no one to talk to. I wonder what goes on in people’s minds when they ignore me. I’m not sure why people just used me this year, it’s as if they got what they wanted to out of me and nothing else that I can do will change things. That’s what it has been like for me. Not just this year, the past four or five years.  Nobody really has any hope for me and I don’t have any hope for myself.

all-star magic

The MLB All-Star game is one of the most magical nights of the summer. Played on a Tuesday evening, it brings baseball fans, families, and friends together to see all of their heroes playing on the same major league diamond. It truly is a mesmerizing and inspiring event and it is even more special that the midsummer classic will be played on Target Field. This showcase is significant for so many reasons other than the natural state tie-in. The state of Minnesota has enjoyed games played on natural grass since 2010 and the players, coaches, fans, supporters, and friends of the BOLD baseball team were able to watch their Warriors win a Class A title in that pristine ballpark nearly a year ago. My favorite all-star memories involve amazing talents such as Torii Hunter, Pedro Martinez, and Ichiro Suzuki. Hunter’s amazing catch, robbing Barry Bonds of a home run in the 2002 game held in Milwaukee is an undeniable and iconic defensive feat of brilliance that hasn’t faded even though the uniforms and footage of the game has inevitably become dated. The memory of Pedro Martinez pumping fastballs at his home park of Fenway stands out as well. Especially, when he challenged the hulking Mark McGwire with a blistering heater. To see a guy built like noted Red Sox fan Matt Damon generate so much velocity was amazing to see in 1999. And nothing is routine, a lesson that was crystallized in 2001 when I saw Japanese import Ichiro Suzuki in his first all-star game. I never saw a player beat out a chopper to second base with such ease as Ichiro. That game was special because it was the last midsummer classic played by baseball’s Iron Man Cal Ripken Jr. but that dazzling display of speed is an artifact of the game that I will always cherish. This terrific night will involve former Twins such as Carlos Gomez, Pat Neshek, and Justin Morneau in the always captivating home run derby. If it is power you fancy, Jose Bautista and Giancarlo Stanton will be there. If it is special speed, look no further than Gomez or Mike Trout. And for no surprises hardball, Clayton Kershaw will bring the heat. All eight positional players for the AL will be from different teams, so if you don’t want to see multiple players wearing the same cap of a rival team in this jewel of a park, you are in luck. A special night in a special ballpark, it doesn’t get much better on a Tuesday night in the middle of the summer than this.

NBA draft preview

The NBA Draft will be held on Thursday night. Aside from the flashy suits the prospects will be wearing, the NBA will usher in a new crop of talented blue-chip players who will either grow their game and change a franchise or be out of the league prematurely like Timberwolves draft pick Will Avery, a 1999 first-round pick out of Duke. Maybe not all eyes will be on the NBA draft the same way viewers were tuned into the NFL Draft and the pre-coverage may not be as comprehensive, but it is still a premier event in my mind because dreams will come true for players and for a fan picking a coveted top pick. After all, the first rule of any mass media manual is to “give the people what they want.” A few days before the 2014 NBA edition of their draft, things are different now than they were in 2007 but not completely with some similarities remaining. The reliable San Antonio Spurs made quick work of a Lebron James-led team just as they had in 2007. Premier and proud franchises such as the Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers were mired in mediocrity and for the Lakers, it appeared that a trade involving Kobe Bryant would be an inevitable end for the superstar and the only franchise he had known. At the top of the draft, a freshman 7-footer in Greg Oden appeared to be the consensus top pick with an intriguing athletic force with the dynamic skill set to contend for multiple scoring futures in his future. Of course, Greg Oden’s career was marked by injuries while Kevin Durant flourished as the Rookie of the Year for the Seattle Supersonics and later as an MVP for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Just recently, Kansas 7-footer Joel Embid was diagnosed with a stress fracture in his foot and will miss 4-6 months of game action for his new team. Whether he precipitously falls down board or not will be revealed on Thursday but atop the draft board Kansas teammate Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker of Duke are now the talented scorers who flashed excellent talent and a propensity to score in bunches. While they may not be the franchise-changing elite game changer of Durant, Wiggins and Parker have the ability to be perennial all-stars and possibly contend for league scoring titles. Also, the Timberwolves in the summer of 2014 still have issues with the short-term outlook of their team. Still facing a postseason drought that has now reached a decade-long hiatus from the 2004 team that reached the Western Conference finals, the Timberwolves’ face of the franchise Kevin Garnett in 2007 was moved to the Boston Celtics and now in 2014, the franchise’s all-star power forward in Kevin Love is unhappy and the topic of a myriad of trade rumors. It appears unlikely that Love will re-sign a long term deal with a team that was last a playoff contender while he was in high school, so a similar move may be in the cards this year. When a talented player is on the trade market, much talk is devoted to the notion of trading the star or risk losing a Love, Garnett, or Chris Bosh for nothing when free agency begins. The challenge for the Timberwolves has been drafting, often missing out with picks while players like Garnett, Love, and Ricky Rubio have been the exceptions.Furthermore, keeping the core intact has been an issue. When these players are traded for diminished returns and find the postseason glory they had been desperately searching for here, it is difficult to for a fan base to be passionate and enthusiastic about a team at all.

Having no friends

I know very little about most things but I know quite a bit about living life alone. I have no friends and I always was envious of people who received social invitations to games, community events or just lunches to catch up. This week, I saw a friend at a crowded event and he just acted like I wasn’t there. It only got worse after that. I also try to be nice to others but that doesn’t seem to work out either. If there was only some way I could be happy.

I can’t wait to leave this area. There is nothing here for me.  I don’t think I’m going to say hello to that so-called friend ever again.

delivering the goods

The NFL Draft delivered its usual bevy of goods. Included in the bag of treats for draftniks and pro football fans in general were stunning picks, last-minute trades, and for the second straight year no running backs selected in the first round. The Vikings made ten selections and seven picks were devoted to shoring up a defensive unit that has to face Calvin Johnson, Brandon Marshall, and Aaron Rodgers twice a year. Trading back from eight to nine with a familiar first-round trading partner in the Cleveland Browns, the Vikings picked UCLA pass rusher Anthony Barr with their first pick. I hesitate to designate Barr with a position as I am eager to see the type of defensive scheme the Vikings will employ. Gone are the days of an even man, Cover 2 alignment perhaps. Barr is an explosive yet unpolished talent who has a quick first step to turn the corner and utilize his athleticism. The team has not seen a standup pass-rusher like him for a while and I am excited to see if he can deliver big plays when rushing the passer. For the third straight year, the Vikings traded into the bottom part of round one to get two first round picks. By offering their fourth-round pick this year to Seattle, the Vikings switched spots with the Seahawks and with the 32nd overall pick, drafted a talented winner in quarterback Teddy Bridgewater. Bridgewater, the 2013 Sugar Bowl MVP, demonstrated a great feel for reading defenses at Louisville. The Vikings addressed their quarterback issue by picking Bridgewater, a smart and instictive student of the game who moves well in the pocket and can deliver solid touch and accuracy. His pro day showing highlighted a less than ideal postseason but to paraphrase a parlance from Rasheed Wallace, “the tape don’t lie.” It remains to be seen if he will start week 1 against the Rams and 2010 first overall pick Sam Bradford. But, coming away with a quarterback was imperative, especially a young offensive threat in Cordarrelle Patterson. Mammoth Gophers defensive tackle Rashede Hageman was drafted in the second round by the Atlanta Falcons. Hageman is a success story and it will be interesting to see him play a road game at his old collegiate stomping grounds, TCF Bank Stadium when the the Falcons play the Vikings in September. With the picks of Bridgewater and Hageman, I looked around my room and saw a couple of telling reminders that things are changing. The first indicator was a cardboard cutout of Christian Ponder posing with Sofia Vergara of Modern Family fame that I got a grocery store only after asking the manager what they did with cardboard displays like that. “Oh, we just throw it out. If you want it Levi, you can have it.” I choose to add it to my Vikings shrine even though it has absolutely no practical value. Second, is a 2013 Golden Gopher football poster featuring Hageman hanging near the Ponder “shrine.”I wonder, will a Bridgewater Pepsi cardboard cutout featuring the 2014 first-rounder and Julie Bowen be near the soft drinks at the local grocery store? I would think not but the draft was an exciting event to behold, a blend of poker, pageantry, and glory.